Is It Possible To Sober Date ?
I get this all the time on my support site https://www.oneyearnobeer.co.uk “Is it possible to sober date ?.” The simple answer is NO, but read on as I’ll go into detail why that can change. Now I hear you all screaming get lost if I want to sober date I can. Well I say its not possible as an ex serial dater. Always spending every night in the pub looking for the next date or the next woman to chat up. This is where I found that when I went sober. All the dating apps like plenty of fish, tinder, oasis and Match had to go too. Your emotions when drinking are all over the place. You reach out for the alcohol to fix every problem wether it be good or bad.
Whys This You Ask?
So you get that date you’ve been planning all week. You go there thinking this is the one. Your going to do all you can to impress the new person in your life. So you get asked to meet up, fantastic you’ve been sober for 5 weeks. The new potential in your life says lets go for a drink. Now in your head you know your sober you’ve done so well. But this could be the one I’ve been there you think well I could just moderate only a couple of drinks. The Date is going well drinks are flowing flirting is high and you really click. Then you celebrate a good night by having a couple more drinks on way home. Your then waiting for that second date you’ve planned all the following night.
Where It Goes Wrong
The initial response from the date is amazing your still texting each other daily. Flirting is still going on for the following week, then Bam!!!!!. Following weeks messages dry up they seem distant but you can still see there on the dating app and online. So why they not answering my messages. Here comes the excuse text I’ve been really busy, having problems at work, sorry kids are with me this weekend. Thing is people on dating sites are mostly messed up emotionally, there lonely and with so much attention its far too easy to get your head turned. Like been in a candy shop as a kid. To many options that all look amazing on the outside but internally full of shit.
People can be desperate on them websites
We’ve all done it met someone for a date and blown smoke up there arse. Then after date is over thought they ain’t the one and gone back on the app. Entertained them for a few days and tried to let them down gently. Problem is you don’t know what there emotional state is. People can be desperate on them websites to find love. There is also the guys like I was on there, always looking for the vulnerable woman that I could wine and dine for my own end. I look back on that guy and think I was such a pig but that was my emotions and drinking that caused it as I was lonely.
This is why I say you can’t sober date take this from a friend of mine no names. I’ve been buddying them for a few months and they keep having slip ups. We’ve worked on trigger points from them been lonely. Having too much time on their hands when there child is with father. Having a bad day at work. Then just yesterday all was quiet messages stopped and i feared the worse. Messages stopped before and when they do its usually a sign that its another slip up. Early afternoon I get a message heres how it went.
I need to apologise I feel so stupid I failed again I’m back to day one. Yesterday I went on a date and I ended up having a drink. I made the phone call to reassure them and also make the point. The point that when your in the early stages of alcohol recovery dating is not something you can do. The reasons been as I posted above. Your emotions are all over the place. Taking on someone else’s emotions is a no go. I’ve given myself a year off dating for that reason. Well I won’t ever meet anyone i’ll always be alone she said. I told her no and reassured her.
So Is It Possible To Do Sober Dating?
YES. So heres why. When your in that bubble of drinking or still in early stages of alcohol recovery you are only going to meet similar people. When you take yourself out of that bubble and into a new bubble. Where you surround yourself with like minded people to sober date. You will start meeting different people that do similar things. I.e gym, running, new college course, new sporting hobby, book club or any new venture. Wont it be more rewarding meeting someone in this field rather than pub. Yes this person may drink but that won’t bother you especially if you get through first few hard months of recovery. As I told my friend you build a small box of tools that help you in situations where alcohol might be. I said to her this scenario.
New You, New Date Scenario
You’ve started going to the gym your 6 months into alcohol free life. Some guy that has been admiring you from afar for a few weeks now approaches you and asks for a date. It does happen you know us guys really do check you women out in gym closely. Whats your response. You say yes i’d love and he suggests a drink. This is where you get out your toolbox. You politely agree and tell him you don’t drink alcohol but you know a lovely bar in town that serves your favourite Mocktail and bam your first sober date.
His Awkward Response
Here comes his awkward repsonse why don’t you drink. I decided months ago to quit alcohol and get myself fit its best decision i made in my life as I’m reaching all my goals. If he still wants that date your onto a winner. If not your now in a better emotional state and you just suck it up and move on his loss. Because you know that an alcohol free you is the better you.
So now armed with the knowledge and your tool box go out there and enjoy Valentines Day. Remember what I’ve said if your in the early stages approach with caution as you don’t want to slip up. If your well into your recovery and you get asked on a sober date I’d say go for it. Especially if they have similar interests. For me though 2017 Valentines Day is not an event. Im happy as I am for now when June 2017 comes I might take you up on offers of a sober date LOL.