Sober and Depressed
Not been writing for a long time and there is a reason for that I was depressed. I’ve been dealing with a lot of troubles in my head since new year. I got some news in the new year that really messed with me. It made me revaluate who I can trust and befriend, thinking I could deal with it I just shut down. I did what I’ve always done which is to be moody, not talk and bottle it all up. This only led me to fall more and more miserable and into a dark place. I got like this when I was drinking it caused relationships to fail as I always was classed as the moody partner.
How did I cope with this when I was drinking, well you know answer, I just went and sat in pub for hours. This only caused more problems as you can only hide for so long till the other person says get out of my life. That was the cycle I was in all through my adult life. Running away from problems, one thing I never ran away from tho was my drink. I always had this as my fall back, friends of all ages in pub to talk to. Always a friendly bar staff member to pour your heart out to. You never talk to family bout these problems your a man you need to be tough deal with it.
Easter Bank Holiday
Sat on my couch its easter bank holidays. Over the weekend I’ve have my daughter twice and once overnight. Had a good run on Sunday all should be great. No!! its easter Monday as I sit here I can’t be arsed, I can’t get off the couch. You might think get over yourself as I did. Unfortunately wasn’t that easy I had no motivation to do anything. All my old friends were out enjoying the sun and all the beer garden weather. I though was sat going through my phone and wishing I was with them on one hand. Then on other hand telling myself its not possible if I want to stay sober.
Then I decided to do something I told myself I wouldn’t do again. I joined a dating app again, started chatting up these women I had no interest in. Just using them as someone to talk to, just like how I used to talk to the barmaids. This only made me feel more lonely. Anyone who has used these sites know’s that 98% are after a dream man that they will never pull. So you end up chatting to the lonely depressed woman that is desperate for a date, just like yourself. Falling deeper and deeper into a lonely state I felt awful.
Then My Savour
Tuesday I got invited to a video call on my support group http://www.oneyearnobeer.co.uk. It was hosted by the amazing Leah Butler-Smith of http://enhancedlifenow.co/. This video call came at the right time, I nearly didn’t join it but something made me. Now a lot of it was going over my head as Leah is very knowledgeable on all subjects. I sat there and listened then Leah came to me and asked who I was and how I was finding my journey of sobriety. I told her and all the group that I’d been struggling over weekend exactly as I put above. Then I proceeded to listen to rest of the call. It was only the following morning when some of her words sunk in that I thought about how I was feeling.
One of her things was if you let your mind over think things, get stressed or worry. Your mind will start turning on itself, thats just how I felt. Feeling this I decided to make a video on my support group http://www.oneyearnobeer.co.uk. Telling them that I was feeling lonely and how Leah had made me realise this. How I had lost all my friends and it was just me and my girl against the world. How I just wanted to be in that pub with my old friends getting smashed and have a social life. The support and advise that came back was amazing to which most said join a club. Thats what I’m doing I’m going to join http://www.wakefieldtriclub.co.uk.
Mindfulness and Meditation
Leah also commented, she offered me a coaching package via her site. This was a no brainer I signed up straight away. Her packages are focused and priced on the individual and their needs. For me it was about why I was feeling depressed and low and lonely. We talked about a lot of things but mostly it was that worry only brings worry. Especially as i was running late for meeting from start of day and all I did was worry bout this. We talked about how you shift the bad thoughts and turn the negatives into positives. Also about writing a gratitude journal. Be thankful everyday for the things you have, even the little things. Like that person who let you out of junction. That person who held door. If your grateful you will receive it back.
Taking all this on board and also adding in daily meditations on a morning and a night. Only 10 minutes at a time is enough to relax you and focus on your goals. Also as of the law of attraction if you visualise something you want in life you will attract it. So I have made a vision board of things I want in my life. I won’t tell you all but some include that house I want. Entry into London marathon, money, success in work life and love from people around me. This is called ‘law of attraction’ If you get a chance look at a film and book call “The Secret”.
Two weeks in has any of this worked. Well I’m blogging again something I didn’t do past few weeks. I’m journalling every day. Meditating and its bringing its rewards yes. All my family know about my struggles now as I’ve been open with them. I went to two events at the tri club and going to the open day on 13th of May. Family life with my daughter is better I’m becoming less stressed. Work life is still a progress but not stressing as much. Meditation is not all hippie new age crap it really does help if you suffer with depression.
Also within this period I watched the BBC programme “Mind over Marathon”. Great programme and it made me realise that I was suffering with depression. Something I’m dealing better with now through my running and talking. If anyone who reads this thinks that how I sometimes feel. Please seek help from anywhere, its ok to admit it don’t become a statistic that didn’t talk and became an alcoholic or worse becomes suicidal.